This week has royally sucked.
If yours was great, I applaud you. I am astounded at your strength of character to be able to find happiness amid the hurricane of shit to hit the fan these past few days (though I will also admit your shit and my shit are not the same shit).
I need first to apologize to a few individuals.
1. To my Twitter followers. I know you were really anticipating a week full of positive, witty tweets such as “This sudden pick-me-up brought to me by the realization there is a brownie in my work bag,” and were instead assaulted with harsh complaints like “I need everyone to understand how shitty today is and how it continues to worsen.” My intention is never to be that dramatic, and I unfortunately had to let the flood gates loose. I hope you’ll all forgive me. I also hope the rest of you will forgive me for still using Twitter. What can I say, it’s important everyone know exactly what time of day I am making olive tacos.
2. My sister. I know I’m usually difficult to live with, and even more so when there is a persnickety little bee living under my bonnet. Also, thank you for bringing home wine today. It was much needed and unbelievably appreciated.
3. Everyone to whom I have sent angry chains of text messages. I know, I hear you, I agree.
I’m sure there are others, but I can only handle things in threes right now. For example, here is a list of items that have made this week almost unbearable:
1. Oh, did you hear our government shut down?
2. This crazy bitch tried to run down a barricade today. Instead, she ran down a police officer. Because what Capitol Hill really needed was MORE drama.
3. A series of “not my job” jobs that have somehow become my job. The mantra running through my brain this week has been something like AreyoufuckingkiddingmeAreyoufuckingkiddingme etc etc.
To be sure, that is neither comprehensive nor telling of all the happenings that have seriously gotten my goat since, oh, last weekend. My only method of coping thus far has been to employ a series of animal cliches to fully elucidate my uncontrollable rage; other methods involve using stupid fucking words like “elucidate.”
After yet another seriously maddening day that is only just ending, I’ve decided to try and turn my frown upside down (just kidding, I’m going all out with the cliches, animals or not) and attempt to create positivity in what has been five days of crap. Here goes.
I BELIEVE wholeheartedly in self-healing. (Writer’s tip: begin every chapter by capitalizing the first two words. It makes everyone care more.) As a woman who has experienced normal human pain through a seemingly never-ending series of heartbreak, emotional distress, fear, childhood bullying, panic that I may just not be good enough, and menstrual cramps from Satan resulting in many a night spent curled in a ball on the bathroom floor, I think I’ve got a pretty solid background in what it is to suffer. Let me say it again, my suffering has been fairly by the book. I make up a lot of crazy crap in my head and sometimes it turns out to be true. I trust the wrong people, I miss the signs, I end up in pieces. But I’m still here, right? Nobody glued me back together; many a kind person has helped me pick up the scraps, and applied the glue, and held my hand, but no one had the ability to physically fix what things that were broken. Guess who did that? I fucking did.
Okay, and you do, too. When was the last time you, maybe, thought you were in love, found that love unreturned, and then stopped existing? You didn’t give up. You hurt for a while, maybe a really long time, and then you decided it was okay to fix yourself. Even if that love never went away. I think that we’re all highly dependent upon our friends and family to provide attention and care, but that when it comes down to it, we’re really the agents of our own change. (Also, I definitely just plagarized myself.) As I’ve said before, I totally think it’s okay to mope and sit in our own tears, but after a while, we all want to feel better. So we start by treating ourselves to a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. Or a movie with some funny jokes that make us laugh. Maybe, we write a song, or a poem, or a story, or we paint, or we do yoga and remind ourselves that we ARE allowed to heal.
Lest anyone think love is my issue today, it totally isn’t, I’m really just using it as an example because it’s a great one thank you very much.
That being said, I realized tonight that I don’t have a list of things I know will make me feel better. Everyone always says, “Oh, what one thing can always brighten your day?” and my response is, “I dunno, food?” While that’s not untrue, it’s not the extent. I’m a fat kid at heart, but I do like other things. And since I have had just an incredibly frustrating few days, I think a list such as that could come in handy. So without further ado (haHA), I present:
Kelsey’s List of Immediate Pick-Me-Ups
1. Homemade banana pancakes. (Food had to be first, come on.) This is actually a new discovery, but also my new favorite, hence it’s place in the #1 slot. Despite my habit of uncontrollably rolling my eyes whenever that ridiculous Jack Johnson song plays, I do have to admit that banana pancakes are delicious and not good for you. My recipe: whole wheat Bisquick mix, water, vanilla extract, a little sugar, a lot of cinnamon, pumpkin pie spice, and sliced bananas. Mix everything up. Fry it on a skillet. Eat with peanut butter and Nutella. Forget about the calorie count. Done.
2. The “Great Day” Digital Short from SNL which JESUS GOD I CAN’T FIND ON THE INTERNET ANYMORE. Thanks a ton, Hulu and Youtube. Anyway, if you have not seen it, do yourself a favor and try to find this gem online somewhere. I don’t have the patience.
3. Baking something. Anything. It can end up being terrible, and it does not matter, because the product is not the point here. It’s the ability to mix some shit in a bowl and set it almost aflame and know that you are the sole reason your house is not burning down right now. The science is too complicated for me to explain right now, so just take my word for it.
4. This song. Sometimes I need to force myself to ingest rainbows, and 99% of the time it works, every time.
5. Watching my cat use a toy as a pillow oh god brain melting. Sorry. Surprise guest entry. Moving on…
6. Taking a nap…but wait for it…not a relaxing nap. I like to put myself to bed with the expectation that when I wake up, I will have found a solution to my problem. Sometimes, my best thinking happens when I’m totally unconscious. I’ve found so many lost items in my dreams.
7. Washing my face. I dunno.
8. Taking out a pen and writing down every thing that is bothering me. Even if it is something small like, “lint in my pocket” or “wrinkle in my shirt.” Once everything is on paper, it doesn’t look as bad.
9. Blogging. I cannot begin to explain how therapeutic this is.
10. Purchasing a random food item from the grocery store and eating it, just eating it, without caring. Today I bought a jar of green olives and tomorrow that jar will be in the recycle bin. Watch me.
Let me interrupt myself by saying that yes, I realize turning to food for comfort is not a good or healthy habit. But I will say that in my defense, I’m eating pancakes and olives– not lining my body with spoonfuls of Crisco. Things could be worse.
11. Hiking, or generally being outdoors. My issues look ridiculous compared to the wide world around me. (It is very difficult to force myself outside when I’m pissed off, so I don’t employ this one as often as I should.)
12. The Boondock Saints. Willem Dafoe is a god and a master and his performance makes me want to just do better.
I’ll stop at 12, shall I? It’s my list, anyway, and doesn’t apply to anyone else so much. But maybe this will you to make your own list, if you don’t already have one. Because it is okay to know what you like, and there’s no shame in feeding your base instincts if it means you can start working again towards the best version of yourself. Or myself. Or maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about.
In other news, TGIF in two hours. My aunts are coming to visit this weekend for which I am VERY EXCITED! And trying to plan a trip back to Jersey for the weekend of October 12-13, because a girl needs her Mama and Papa Bears every now and then.
Um, I guess, tell me what makes your shitty days better? I think that’s a fun discussion to have. Even if it is ridiculous. I don’t know if it is possible to leave comments on WordPress because I haven’t had the energy to care, but if not, leave me a Facebook comment or something, or don’t, the choice is yours.
Also–thank you, seriously, for reading my blog. I have received such lovely feedback and I really am truly grateful for the support. Even if you HAVE to support me because I’m your sorority sister 😉 Or actual sister. Or best friend since kindergarten. Or family member. Regardless of how you got here, I’m glad you did, and I hope you keep reading.
Sorry, I really need to add a 13th pick-me-up to this list. This is always fantastic and makes me gigg. http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/